*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
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– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Damn what did I do next
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
As the Lord intended
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
this made my day 😂
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Good morning, Twitter x
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!