Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.

Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.