Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.

supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.