Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?

Them: That’s a baby.

Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.

I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

Friend: I’m getting married

Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.

[mailman delivering package to hospital]

DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered

MAILMAN: please stop saying that

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

At an art museum and I thought this was art

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

bro what is going on at twitter