Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
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At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
@ candidates for local office
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean