Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

That lamp looks PISSED.

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot

My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

caterpillar: *walks*

snake: okay what

caterpillar: *grows wings*

snake: OKAY WHAT

I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?