Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

me: like taking candy from a-

giant baby: no no, please go on

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.

Why I still can’t play Chess:

Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”

Me: “Horse.”

OB: “…the Knight.”

Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”

OB: “I need you to go away now.”

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Me: *puts naked Barbie away.

‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!

Her:Freak!

Me:Did you feel–anything?

This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”