*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
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I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.