*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
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Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I’ve had worse
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Breaking news:
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone