*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
You Might Also Like
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
uh oh
very niche meme I made
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion