*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
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Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
good let them take over I have had enough
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.