Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card

me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.

Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol

I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry