Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
You Might Also Like
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
No one can handle that
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”