Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
![]()
You Might Also Like
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?![]()
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
![]()
![]()
![]()
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
![]()
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!