Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.

Seems kinda suspicious

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”

I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

Story of my life…..

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.