Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial

kevin is now a local weatherman

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert

HER: nice i love coldplay

ME: ok we have two problems

Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

me: have you seen my hoodie?

her: you mean our hoodie???

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does

Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.

Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

date: I think we’ve actually met before

picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.

I hate everything