Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain

DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.

I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

Lmao 😁

i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*