Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard

I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.

[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]

So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

saying “eat the rich”

-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibal

saying “ok boomer”

-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy

H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

pictures of spider-man

3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:

1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.

My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him: