handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
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[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
So, this is how my day is going. How about you?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow