Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

Him: Do you know what you are doing?

Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?

Him: No.

Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

You: “Call me crazy but..”

Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart

How did they know the suspect had a ghost gun?

It fired boohlets.

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

doctor: you have no heart

me: okay wow that’s rude

doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive

demon living inside me: *to me* don’t

me: there’s a demon living inside me

demon: ugh

[psych ward]

me: this is nice they have jell-o

demon: ooo is it cherry

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:

Him: Where were you, I was worried!

Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.

Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!

ME: Sorry……dad?

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.