handsome & gretel
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video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
She might be a genius
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
one of
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*