Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
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Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Where’s my employee discount too?
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.