handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
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My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
well this is just bullshirt
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
you can only post this today
