handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
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“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
TODAY
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I relate to a rooster because I also want start off my day by screaming.