Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.

If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band

“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.

Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can ＳＵＭＭＯＮ ＤＥＭＯＮＳ

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

Can’t stop laughing

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”