handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
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therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
never ask a starfish for directions
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I have written yet another poem about laundry
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.