Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it