Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick

I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”

But daddy, Santa likes-

[gently puts hand on his head]

“do what I say or he’s not coming”

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there

“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit

I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer