Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*