Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

Which wines pair best with gloating?

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

Me: Ugh…where am I?

Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.

M: WHO’S THERE??

*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*

DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.

M: HEEEELP

D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”