HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
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Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
sign of the times 🖊
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.