Hang in there buddy
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I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.