Hang in there buddy
You Might Also Like
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler