Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
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Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.