Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
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My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
when a toddler tells a story
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
I’m not wrong
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
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