Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
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Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”