Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized

[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]

little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

[on phone]

me: honey I won some free tickets

wife: cool, for what?

me: speeding and resisting arrest

wife: never heard of them

[date]

Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’

Her: “Shall we order dessert?”

Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?

Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.

4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.

throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.

[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)

Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?

Wife: Well, it wa….

Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes

A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.