@C00LpenNAME

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

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@mrjohndarby

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

@duplicitron

Someone left a really nice couch out on the street so I went home and got a lamp and TV and this is where I live now.

@desusnice

i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name

@_GrahamPatrick

MAN: See my tattoo? It says “Only God can judge me.”

GOD: That shirt with those pants?

@NinjaSweatpants

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

@dorsalstream

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

@electroskippy

[installing program]
Operation Status: 1 min left
Me: Yes! Finally!

*30 minutes later*

Operation Status: 60 mins left
Me: Wait. What?

@ValeeGrrl

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs