Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
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(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.