Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

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She said I’m ‘barely tolerable,’ which means there’s still a chance


[pulls meatloaf out of oven]

he’s still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever


The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.


my friend: hey can i get some advice on something

me who got a matching tattoo with a girl on our first and only date: yeah sure


Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now


Me: I treat my body like a temple. *Leaves body in mexican jungle for 500 years*


ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.


me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol


me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes


Parenting is cool…

I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.


“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!