She said I’m ‘barely tolerable,’ which means there’s still a chance
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
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[pulls meatloaf out of oven]
he’s still sweating and singing just as beautifully as ever
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
my friend: hey can i get some advice on something
me who got a matching tattoo with a girl on our first and only date: yeah sure
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Me: I treat my body like a temple. *Leaves body in mexican jungle for 500 years*
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Parenting is cool…
I’ll tell you why when I’m done arguing with this younger version of me.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!