Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?