Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
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This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.