Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
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Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Who knew!
Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
The happy life.. 😊
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.