Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.