Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.