Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
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Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.