Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems

Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.

Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

Dead
Alive
Other✔

I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines

Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.

No flush

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

Me:

3yo:

Me:

3yo:

Me: well?

3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles

Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”