It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
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You literally misuse the word “literally” every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally.
Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.