@AmberTozer

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

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@justokpanda

World’s Most Dangerous Bees

6. Honey
5. Killer
4. Fris
3. Hucka
2. Zom
1. Apple

@hazelmotes1

You literally misuse the word “literally” every time you say it. And I figuratively want to punch you in the face. Literally.

@margolundy

Please tell me the grounds around mental hospitals have walking trails called psychopaths running through them.

@BuckyIsotope

Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.

@smilely_gal

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

@AnkCoupleTO

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

@NewDadNotes

Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

@Peauxtassium

If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.

@wolfpupy

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.