“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
When life hands you women, make women laid.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again