Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
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JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Breaking news:
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Tuesday
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.