Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
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If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…