Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood

3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.

There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*

Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.

Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts

But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.

welcome mats are just gateway rugs

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.

Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.

It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace