Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.
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Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad