[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
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I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
i wish i could marry a nap
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
LMAO.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?