[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
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“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets