[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
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We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it