Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!

“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.

I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.

imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.

My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.

So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.

Tik Tok.

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.

*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face

Now it looks like me.

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

Birds & Planes.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.