[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
You Might Also Like
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
do horses think humans are hats
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*