*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
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I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
handsome & gretel
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie