[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
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Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
A great first step 😂
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever