Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
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Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*sewing*
A thread
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.