Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
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[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position