Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Yup.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
*orders delivery*
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
Welcome to downtown where the crosswalk signals are merely suggestions and you hope the puddles are water.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
More like Kate Missington.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.