Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
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If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.