Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
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Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.